What do I mean by education? It's not the formal, "I read all the books about them and follow the news" kind of education. It's more the "been there and done that" kind. College learning is great and it can certainly enhance your understanding of other cultures, but it cannot compare to the learning you get from living somewhere - and I'm not talking vacations. A week long stay at a resort in Cancun does not make you an expert on Mexico. A business trip to Frankfurt doesn't allow you to peg Germans either. On the other hand, if you have lived in a country for years, and actually interacted with the place and the people, you have received the kind of education I'm talking about.
One of my favorite quotes - it's even on my FB profile - is by Mark Twain, also known as Samuel Clemens:
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”
- Innocents Abroad As much as I like it, it isn't quite complete. I wish it had started with "Living in foreign places is fatal to prejudice..." It would better reflect what I'm getting at.
Don't get me wrong, again. Not everybody can have the privileged life I've enjoyed. It's just not doable. But wouldn't it be great if, instead of sending our troops to foreign countries to fight wars, we sent citizens abroad to live and interact with the local people? Send each person to say, two countries with distinct cultures. Maybe six months in Indonesia and six months in Bolivia - Peace Corp like. It doesn't have to be to do charitable work necessarily - although that would be nice - but to contribute, to really get into the mix. I'm no genius, but it would probably be more constructive than shooting them. Wars and fights, unfortunately, are inevitable, but when we're taking a break from destruction, we could could try to make it up to them.
So the title of this post is "It's not that I don't like you..." - partly to segue into my earlier clarification, partly to get into one of the more insidious symptoms of being a TCK (technically, an ex-TCK, since I am only a kid at heart). That symptom is that I don't make close friends. I have lived here on the Puget Sound for almost five years. I have not made a single real friend - not one - and it's my fault. Strangely, I don't even really try.
Why? Not really sure. Could be that what's interesting to most people who have lived their whole lives in the States isn't interesting to me. Maybe it's a horrible thing to say, but last Sunday's sermon at church doesn't light my fire. The gossip about the neighbors and what they did the other day doesn't grab me. I do like to talk sports, especially soccer, but I don't need a friend to do that. An acquaintance will do, and I do have a lot of those.
The basic issue is that, to me at least, a friend is someone who comes from where you come from - more figuratively than literally. They don't have to agree with you, and the best ones will be sure to let you know when they don't, but they get you. You can tell them anything and they'll get it because they know. Of course, a lot of this is my fault, because they're out there, all around me I suppose, but I don't leave the door open wide enough to let them in. I'm too judgmental. Most people - way most - don't get me; don't get us, the TCK's. Don't feel sorry for me though. It's just the way it is.
And I have written, researched back-up for this friend malady. All TCK's should read the book 'Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds' by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken. Don't have it? Buy it. Read it. It's bang on. Here's a snippet:
"We carry knowledge from past experiences - often including special knowledge of people, places, and processes - but none of that knowledge has use in this new place [insert, the U.S.]. No one knows about our history, abilities, talents, normal responses, accomplishments, or areas of expertise. Sometimes it seems they don't care..."
"People may now see us as boring or arrogant because we talk about things, places, and people they have never heard mentioned before. We feel the same way toward them because they talk about local people and events about which we know nothing."
I will try to be better about this whole friend-making thing. We'll see.
So glad you decided to have a blog! It's a good way to jot down ideas and bounce them off your readers. I can definitely relate though I must say I have found that in the 3rd culture kids there are "subcategories"; those with 2 American parents, those with a mother from a foreign country married to an American father and those with an American mother married to a father from a foreign country. Subtle differences, I know, but as the law of life dictates, we tend to gravitate towards our maternal relatives (when available of course) and this in turn brings variations to the meaning of being a 3rd culture kid. In my case, I feel right at home when I go to Peru as when I am here in the States. When people asked me where I was from, I would get tongue-tied, never knowing what to answer……born in one country, raised in several others, parents from two different countries…… WHO AM I?????
ReplyDeleteKnow what you mean.
ReplyDeleteMy wife, Jeanie, has for the second time in two days of posts, pointed out that I may be offending some of our friends. So again, I feel that I need to clarify. A friend - the sort that I say I don't have here, and I do have some of these elsewhere - are the one that know what I'm saying and where I come from. They can almost read my mind. They've been there.
Maybe I should qualify friends. There are best friends and there are just plain 'ole ones. I certainly do not want to offend some of the plain 'ole ones.
I hope they understand.
Gregory, I've worried about the alienation that third culture kids feel because I've raised two of my own and the rootlessness is a major challenge to overcome. Without that sense of 'they get me here' there's no reason to settle in any one place and there's no sense of home or homeland. Wherever my kids go, they have to face the fact that many people will view them as 'other'. Born in England, raised in America, holidaying with Dad in the Far East... where's home? They understand some of the cultural references of all those places, but don't 'own' any of them. Good luck making friends, mate.
ReplyDeleteOnce you're a TCK, you're always a TCK. Best thing to do is understand what you are and take it from there. Again, I recommend the book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. The TCKs and their parents should read it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I will continue to post something personal regarding this 'malady' every now and then. There are a lot of good things about it as well, so I will try to focus on the positives.
I think the time when I was most acutely aware of being "different" was when I went to study in Florence with a group of students from Notre Dame. They all clung together desperately looking for fast food restaurants and all the comforts and conveniences of "home". Two students actually returned to the US because our pensione did not have air conditioning!!! I broke away from the group and searched out the locals. I was never able to relate to the students in my group. I did, however, meet many locals which in turn helped me experience the culture first-hand. As an added bonus, I was able to quickly become fluent in Italian and make friends with folks I still keep in touch with today. While studying with this group I did feel like the outsider, like I didn’t belong. I'm ashamed to say that I did not befriend any of the students from my group and that I found them obtuse. (Don’t mean to sound arrogant!)
ReplyDelete